* Originally posted on September 28 2018 *

“Starting The Conversation about Mental Health” has been the goal of Lionminded since I started writing. In my opinion, the best way to normalise talking about MH is by actually having conversations with people. So that’s why I have started this new series. #StartTheConversation kicks off today with my good friend Hannah as she tells us about how she’s managed to balance her mental health, with being a parent.

Hi Hannah! Thank you for taking the time to have a chat with me today. Tell me about yourself?

Hi Joel! No problem at all, I’m really happy to be involved and answer your questions! My names Hannah, I’m 27, I work full time as a care assistant in a nursing home and I’ve been with my partner for nearly 5 years. We have a 2 year old son together and my partner has a 9 year old boy who I call my step son, even though we’re not married. Thats pretty much it really! I enjoy seeing my friends on the rare occasion that I can and binge watching TV series until early hours.

Okay to start us off. Its time for some quick fire questions!

Three best albums of all time?

Oh god, now thats a hard one. Ill name the first 3 that I can think of but I’ll definitely regret my answers and change my mind later on haha.

1.) “Dirt” – Alice in Chains. So my favourite band are Alice in chains, “Dirt” has always had a very special place in my heart, and I even had lyrics from the song “Down in a hole” tattooed on my shoulder when I was about 22/23 and at the time I was tattooed the lyrics really resonated with me, and still do in some ways.

2.) “Sleeping with Ghosts” – Placebo. Anyone who’s known me well since I was 12 will know how literally OBSESSED I was with Placebo throughout my teens, this was my very favourite album, I can listen to it now and not get bored or want to skip a track. Placebo were my first love.

3.) “MTV Unplugged” – Nirvana. This album makes me feel so nostalgic but in a really comforting way. Another album I can listen to all the way through without wanting to skip. Plus I just love all the different covers they play too, its really great.

Ok, I’m quite happy with my choices there haha.

What’s your first memory?

Ummm… one that comes to mind was when I was about 3 or 4 and it was halloween, and my brother dressed as Dracula to go Trick or Treating and I had nightmares that the teeth were floating above me, snapping at my face. And my mother threw the teeth out of my bedroom window so I’d feel safe.

What was the last film you saw?

Les Miserables, I turned it off halfway through because I just couldn’t get into it!

What’s your favourite thing to cook?

Ummm…pasta? Pizza? Anything easy haha.

Guilty pleasure film or song?

The Spice World movie and anything by Justin Bieber!

Brilliant. Okay so now that we have got to know you a bit – let’s talk parenting. What did you find was the most difficult part about parenting when you started?

Definitely how lonely it can be and actually still is sometimes, nothing really prepares you for that. I was a social butterfly all the way through my teens and into my early and mid twenties and then all of a sudden I hardly see anyone except a baby who didn’t speak or interact much with me. It can be quite a dark place to be, its isolating.

What do you miss about when your baby was a newborn?

That he stayed put and didn’t get up to mischief! Haha. No, um, I miss feeding him actually, I miss that cuddle, looking down at him while he looked up at me, and that little suckling noise babies make. It makes me feel broody just thinking about it. He’s so independent now.

What’s your mental health situation and how does it affect your day to day?

I’ve had an anxiety disorder since I can remember to be honest, it affects my sleep, makes me snappy and irritable on occasion, it does affect my relationship with my partner sometimes too and I do hate that. For years I struggled with OCD, not the cleanliness side but the repetitive checking of things and it had pretty much gone until fairly recently.

But currently I am managing to live a pretty happy life for the most part.

When did you first start noticing your mental health wasn’t great?

When I was in school I used to self harm quite badly, but to be honest I didn’t actually notice how bad I was until I had a break down when I was about 22. I’d had a good…5/6 years of shit that had really dragged me down, when I was about 17 I was in a very toxic relationship and when that finally ended it sort of paved the way for another toxic relationship with someone else and a lot of stuff happened in those few years my mental health just got worse and worse until I was on complete self destruct mode, I hardly slept or ate, I’d lost a lot of weight and just didn’t care if I died. It was a horrible place to be.

What do you use as coping methods?

Actually when I started work at the nursing home and when I met Sam it seemed like my life just came together, I started feeling like my life had more meaning and I started to feel happier and things just improved so so much. And then of course I had my son and he literally just lit up my world, and showed me what life and love can be, and I know how cheesy that sounds but its so true.

Where as before I’d not want to get out of bed or want to face anything, I feel now that I want to live for him, he makes everything so worth while. Him and my little family have just completed me and filled such a dark hole in my life.

If I’m anxious now, it’s not to an extreme like it used to be, and I manage to calm myself down by thinking of the positive things I have in my life, also just getting myself out of the house and being around people I care about is how I cope, I never thought back then that I’d be where I am now. I’m not completely “better” in regards to my mental health, but I cope a lot better. And just having people I love around me is a huge part of that.

I’d also seen a number of councillors, one who was in Swansea College actually, while I was training to be a hairdresser. She really did try and help, she included CBT in to my counselling sessions, but of course I ended up dropping out of college and losing my job at the hairdressers.

Tell us about your support system (family, friends etc) and how they help you?

My absolute rock during that time was my bestfriend Clare, she was the only one who knew exactly what was going on with me and kept me safe. She even had to file a missing person report to the police one night because no one knew where I had gone and I was very drunk. I pretty much lived with her and I kind of owe her my life.

How will you teach your child about mental health – when to talk to them about it?

My stepson actually asked me about suicide the other day and I told him that sometimes people are so unbelievably sad that they end their lives, and I explained to him how important it is to talk about how you’re feeling and to make sure you always confined in the people closest to you, even if you feel like you shouldn’t. And that we will always be there to listen and support him. And I’ll tell my son the same, I want them both to be able to talk to me, or their dad or anyone close to them if they feel the world is getting too much to bear.

Hannah, thank you so much for sharing with me today. It’s so important to start the conversation and make mental health a normality.

If you enjoyed this and would love to tell your story, then please get in touch!