Hey guys! Time for another edition of #StartingTheConversation. Where we talk to all types of people about their lives and their Mental Health in attempts to normalise and reduce the stigma of talking about your brain baddies. This week I am talking to Pixie Dean (who is launching a very exciting new Clothing Brand called Under The Pines in the coming weeks) about how she handles life, motherhood and business while living with BPD. Continue to read down below!

Hi Pix! Thank you for taking the time to have a chat with me today. Tell me about yourself?

Hey! Thank you so much for having me!

Okay so my name is Pixie and I’ve somehow made it to the age of 27. I have a four-year-old son named Jacoby and we’ve been living with my mum for about two and a half years since I split with Jacoby’s father in 2016 (which is super handy when I need to run to the shop at half eight in the evening). Jacoby is believed to be autistic, which definitely comes with its challenges, but my partner Dan works with adults on the spectrum so it’s great when he comes back with new things he’s learned to help Jacoby in his day to day life. 

I’m currently a stay at home mum to help Jacoby full time when he’s not in school, I also have a clothing line launching in October that I’m very excited/nervous about!

Okay to start us off. Its time for some quick fire questions!

    Three best albums of all time?

To me the absolute best album of all time will always be Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge by My Chemical Romance. In my early teens I was completely obsessed with them and this album will always hold a very very special place in my heart. Mainly for the nostalgia and being reminded of the good old days drinking nasty straight vodka down the park with all the other emos, but it’s also an absolute banger. 

The next is Dear by Keaton Henson. This is the album I listened to on repeat when my mental health was at its worst. It had this way of pulling me out of my worst days and making me feel like there was someone else out there who just completely understood where my head was at. Most of Keaton’s songs are rather depressing, but they’re so relatable and beautiful that you can’t help but listen and feel every word he says. 

The last one would either be Relativity by Emarosa or What Separates Me From You by A Day To Remember just because they’re great and I love them. 

    First memory?

My first memory is actually just sitting on the floor at nursery learning the alphabet, not overly exciting, but education is cool, right?

    Last film you saw?

Oh goodness, I have no idea. It was probably some terrible kids film on Netflix!

    Favourite thing to cook?

Either sweet chilli prawn pasta with garlic, peppers, and halloumi or stuffed peppers with vegan creamy leeks and crispy tofu.

    Guilty pleasure film or song?

This list is so so so long, but my main ones are 90s pop, Craig David and Blazin Squad.

Brilliant. Now that we know you a little better - let’s start talking about Mental Health and Parenting.

What did you find was the most difficult part about parenting when you started?

I think the most difficult part was that I didn’t truly bond with Jacoby until he was a couple of months old when I took him to Cardiff to see my mum (we lived in Manchester at the time). Being in a mentally abusive relationship when your partner wants to take over and have control of your baby is a really difficult thing to go through when you just have to sit back and watch. You can’t go against anything they say to have that important time with your baby because you’re so scared of what your partner might do. 

What do you miss about when your baby was a newborn?

Just how small he was. He’s growing so fast now and I struggle to pick him up and I just want to shrink him so I can carry him around all day!

What’s your mental health situation and how does it affect your day to day?

So I have BPD, in the lighter months it doesn’t seem to affect me as much as it does in Autumn/Winter, but I still have my down days. During the winter I can go for periods of a few months just feeling completely unable to do anything productive. To the point where I’m on autopilot from December-March. 

I also have a shoulder and neck twitch that developed during my ‘bad months’ so that could in some way be connected. It got so bad at one point that I didn’t want to go out because the anxiety that stemmed from my twitch was so overwhelming. 

I now take vitamin D in the winter which seems to help take the edge off my bad months, and as far as the twitches go I really couldn’t care less what people think. 

When you first started noticing your mental health wasn’t great?

My earliest memory of my mental health not being 100% was when I was about eleven or twelve. I had an eating disorder called pica. When I was diagnosed with pica around the age of fourteen I already knew I was beginning to struggle with depression. It got better and worse over the years until I hit twenty-one. I was a student so a lot of alcohol was obviously involved, but I took it to the extreme. The depression fuelled the alcohol and the alcohol-fuelled the depression to the point where I very nearly didn’t see 2014. That’s only half of my story, but I’m super proud to say that I now don’t touch alcohol and my mental health is getting so much better!

What do you use as coping methods when you are feeling down?

I find it hard to find coping methods I can use when Jacoby is around because he needs so much attention, but when he’s in school or asleep I love to draw and get so lost in what I’m doing that I can pretty much switch my brain off. The smell of lavender and ASMR videos are always a massive help too. 

Tell us about your support system (family, friends etc) and how they help you?

So, my partner, Dan has been absolutely amazing. It’s so nice to have someone that understands my brain but also knows how to interact and look after Jacoby. I know that if he’s here he will always help me if I’m struggling. Also, my parents, if it wasn’t for my mum I don’t know where Jacoby and I would be right now, and my Dad has always had this way of making me feel like everything is going to be okay and work out just fine. 

How will you teach your child about mental health - when to talk to them about it?

I want him to know that expressing his emotions is absolutely okay, and I will always be there to listen. I want to teach him that everyone is different and perfect in their own way, and that some people feel these emotions a lot stronger than others. 

Okay, let’s talk about Under The Pines!

What is Under The Pines and how did it come into existence?

So Under The Pines is a brand new clothing brand that will be launching of the 12th of October!

It’s actually something I’ve been in two minds about for a very long time. I knew at the age of sixteen I wanted my own clothing brand, since then it’s always been in the back of my mind but I was just way too scared to do it. It properly started when I realised how many drawings I had just lying around doing absolutely nothing. Drawing for me is my best coping method by far so why not do something with all of these drawings? Plus I got bored looking for T-shirt’s that I really really wanted because I’m fussy so I just made my own. 

Starting a business while being a parent and having your own mental health struggles must be a bit of a balancing act. What advice would you give someone looking to do the same?

The best advice would be just doing what you love, and if you can make a bit of money out of it then go for it! I feel so overwhelmed by the feedback I’ve been getting about Under The Pines and it’s such a special thing to be able to make something out of what started as just a coping method. 

If you love what do you then you’ll never feel like it’s a chore.

What's the future of Under The Pines and the next goal?

We’re in the final weeks running up to our launch day on the 12th of October so it’s a bit of a race against time to get everything ready. I just hope everyone loves what products we have to offer and buys some things with the cheeky discount code I’m going to share with the internet on launch day haha. 

I’m planning on doing a mini collection for mental health awareness week next May so keep an eye out for that!

Once again, thank you to Pixie for taking the time to talk about this! Make sure you follow Under The Pines on Instagram and check out the Under The Pines website to buy all the brilliant clothing when it launches on October 12th!