The Curse Of July 12th

Disclaimer: I wrote this piece back in July 2015, and it was the first time I had delved into mental health issues as an honest writing piece. It received great and supportive feedback – and it felt great to tell my story, almost like a weight off my shoulders. So this piece definitely feels like it should be on this blog.

July 12th 2012 was the day I caught myself crossing a road without looking if there were any cars coming. I realised that I had been walking with such disregard for safety for a couple of days now. It wasn’t out of laziness or from being confident with my local roads – It was because I had no regard for my life anymore. Being alive didn’t matter to me any more. This was a pretty shocking revelation and was pretty hard to take on board.

“…it had taken away the part of my brain that enjoyed being alive”

When you talk to people about depression its hard to really get those feelings into words. It’s hard to tell someone who you no longer care about being alive without it sounding like you are suicidal. I was not suicidal. I had just let something fester for so long that it had grown without me knowing. It had already taken away my social circles, it made me believe I didn’t deserve a job or to do anything with my life and after letting it grow, out of being too afraid to confront it – it had taken away the part of my brain that enjoyed being alive. So I decided there and then that this was something I needed to fight.

And fight I did.

On July 12th 2013 I was offered a job, which I took because I deserved it. It was a triumphant moment in my life and something I always look at fondly. I won’t go into what I did or the battles i had getting there, that’s for another day but as far as the journey goes: this day was the first time I stopped and realised I could beat this.

July 12th 2014 was a tough one. A lot happened in my personal life that involved a lot of lies and heart-break and someone close to me almost losing their life. I will not go into detail on that because that is not the point of this post. But I will say that it was a huge test on my recovery, and one of those days where everything went wrong and it is something I would never want to revisit.

So let me just reiterate my point here: chronologically this day has been filled with ups and downs. The biggest down, followed by the biggest up, followed by a huge down again. So I had been a bit nervous this year – with this day approaching. I wasn’t sure if today was going to follow in the footsteps of previous years.

With any war there are smaller battles, some you win and some you lose. Similarly with depression you have periods of feeling great and periods where you aren’t so great. I scale this as simply as possible between 1 and 10: At ten I am on top of the world, at one I don’t want to face the world.

I trust her, and that is important when it comes to fighting something like this.

Today, July 12th 2015 I woke up feeling a 2. The curse of July 12th was here. I was recently made redundant from the afore-mentioned job, so seeing the post on my Timehop about having a new job was a bit disheartening to my progress. My other half Sara rolled over and asked how I was. When I said I was a 2 she held me and I told her the story of previous years and how today was going to be extra bad – so i was going to hide in bed and not let anything happen. She looked me in the eyes and said “how about I make you some bacon and we can go watch some wrestling” – I couldn’t say no to that. I trust her, and that is important when it comes to fighting something like this.

So after the super-dramas of the previous years, today I laid on the sofa nursing a pretty bodacious sunburn watching kids films. I know I could be kicking myself in the teeth here by saying it was an uneventful day, because it’s not over yet (its early evening) but I will happily say that today was a good time to self-reflect on where I have come. YES I may not have a job currently, but that is NOT something that is to do with my mental health. Just because I don’t have a job does not mean I am the same person I was 3 years ago who briskly walked into traffic. I am someone who has fought for a long time and I have gained experience, jobs and someone I can throw life problems at first thing in the morning and she will know what to do.

So to make July 12th memorable this year – I am publicly telling this story in hopes that it can maybe help at least one more person in their battles. Nothing worth having comes easy, so fighting something you can’t see is one of the hardest things you can do. That fight is hidden in us, and everyone has it and can get hold of it when it’s needed.