My Symptoms Of Depression
My Symptoms Of Depression
I had some really bad Seasonal Depression through the end of 2019. From October until around the start of January I was pretty stuck in a rut and couldn’t get my brain working. Its hard to describe sometimes how a Depression can affect you, and even harder to do it while in that state! So I decided to jot down some of the symptoms I was having, and how they affect me; and mainly try and describe them as best as I could. It’s an important part of trying to #StartTheConversation and being completely honest and transparent about Mental Health. So here goes...
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Self-Worth And Confidence
I get it in my head that I absolutely do not deserve to do anything that would benefit me. For example, I could see a new job position open up that I would be good at - and I would instantly talk myself out of it. “You clearly can’t do that. That job is for people who have normal brains. You don’t deserve that job because you are a piece of crap.” Those would normally be the words that go through my head. The problem with this symptom is that it takes quite a while AFTER I have recovered from that bout of depression to get it back to any normal level. Sometimes it won’t even get back to a normal level before the next bout, which can be a big problem.
Bus Anxiety
This one goes back years. I still get it now, a lot of the time (although not as bad as years ago). It’s not an anxiety about getting on the bus, or even being on the bus; its about pressing the stop button! Back when I was in Uni, I was having bad anxiety daily. And that was when the Bus Anxiety first manifested. Some days I would get the bus into town, and then NOT press the button and end up back at the station an hour later and just go home. Nowadays I will miss a stop if someone doesn’t press the button sometimes. I will just get off at the next stop. Its a weird one.
Leaving The House
Like for many people, the house is a safe place. I get very bad social anxiety so I have to combat that by getting out of the house as often as I can (even though I absolutely love being at home). But the longer it goes without leaving the house, I find it much more difficult to actually do it.
Loss Of Interest In Things
This is one of my least favourite symptoms. It kind of fits in with the “not feeling worthy” symptom I talked about at the start of this post. But its more to do with hobbies and entertainment. I have a massive backlog of games, films and TV shows I am yet to start and/or complete purely because I feel I am not worthy enough to do so! And when I do start them, I will constantly be telling myself that I am not worthy and have to turn it off. This one works in a way that KEEPS me depressed because it makes me feel pretty useless.
Can’t Focus On Too Many Things
This one kind of falls into a melting pot of other symptoms. Things like “Can’t cope with lots of noise”, “Can’t hold conversations” etc. I get overwhelmed very easily when I am depressed. Especially when it comes to an opportunity to get some stuff done. Like if i suddenly get a morning to myself I could: take it for myself and watch some TV or play some video games, or I could write and do some website work, or I could clean and organise the house. But those choice would then overwhelm me and my brain would pretty much shut down and get really overcrowded with information. I end up just needing to close my eyes for a bit.
The Fake Scenario In My Head
This is the worst one. This is the one that comes out of nowhere and just destroys my day. I could be walking along someday, or just sat in the living room. And suddenly my brain will start coming up with this completely false (but incredibly detailed and realistic) scenario. For example this is the one that happened to me yesterday. I was walking down my street and my brain suddenly hit me with a “What if you crashed the car into a river and you had to decide which kid you had to save?” and then that would move onto “how would you tell your wife?”, “how would you grieve?”. I will literally act out the scenario in my head in HUGE detail. Its as if it ACTUALLY does happen. I normally end up in tears, and it can take me out for the whole day.
I’ve yet to find any way to combat this Fake Scenario symptom. I even talked to my therapist about it and the only thing she could offer was to try and turn it into a comedy in my head. Where it all suddenly becomes light hearted and funny and doesn’t destroy my day.
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